My dream is to fly over the rainbow so high...

At some point of time or the other in our lives we all wish that things were different… Atleast a little bit, u know. Is unsatisfaction the eternal condition of mankind? Aira had met few people in her life who were satisfied with whatever they had and how their lives were. Maybe, just one or two. She could not understand. Was it she who was hankering after things to be perfect? Was she a perfectionist? One thought led on to another as she kept thinking.

She was different. Yes, many people had told her that. She had to cope with the reality of being a Hindu with a non-Hindu name in India since childhood. Are you Christian? No? Are you a Jew then? Oh! U are a Hindu! Was this her identity then? Questions and a surprised, almost unwilling, acceptance? She liked her name. It was different, just like herself.

She wanted to change the world. Soon enough she realized one could not change the world. So her aim had reduced to changing the country. That also seemed pretty impossible. So she stuck down with the thought that she could at least change the thinking of the people around her. She didn’t know it was going to be this difficult. From the time she got an eyebrow piercing people started giving her weird looks. But there was nothing wrong with that, was there? She was not a punk, like most people would think her to be. May be she was still a little too modern for her times.

The task she thought she could achieve easily was becoming more difficult for her by the day. And then there was the day when she decided to apply for a job. A whole new world opened before her. She had to take off that ring from her eyebrow for the interview. And bingo! She was hired just like that after being refused by a few companies. Afterall, her profile wasn’t so bad. She got her MBA degree from IIM, Bangalore. That’s one of the best in India, the best, actually.

But Ankit was different. He was happy with her. He didn’t want her to make any changes. He liked her for what she was. And she loved him for that. He respected her independence and the strength with which she tackled everything. Finally, she had found someone different, someone who suited her imagination. Now, she could finally take a break from the years of dating to find that one perfect guy for herself. She was happy.

And then suddenly, he announced that he wanted a break up. Her world turned upside down. What had gone wrong? He had to settle down. So, there was no problem about that. But she was not the type of girl he would settle down with. What? Did she hear it right? What did he mean? What type was she then? She could be a girlfriend alright but not a Bengali boy’s wife. What? But, why? What was wrong with her? She thought ahead of her times and he couldn’t marry her. After all, she would have to settle down with his parents, and from her college days she has been independent, living away from her family. She could not adjust so much and he didn’t want her to feel sorry for it later. But, she was a homely girl, wasn’t she? Oh! But that’s okay to say as long as you don’t have to do the real thing. It needed a lot more compromising than she could ever think of. But, wasn’t she compromising so long with her existence altogether, living with an unusual name, adjusting with unknown people away from her family? Was that not adjustment? She wouldn’t understand. Later she would thank him for the decision that he took.

She was completely shattered. She had nothing more to say.

Ankit joined a different job and after that she didn’t hear of him, or from him. Aira started living her usual life, working like hell to take her mind off the whole break-up thing. Even after one year of the traumatic incident she had not been able to forget Ankit. He somehow managed to follow her like a shadow. Sometimes she would sit and wander whether he thought about her too.

And then, bam! She ran into him in the street just outside her office. He was walking with a woman. So, has he started dating again? No. She was his wife. What? He was married? Yes, almost a year now. Oh! This is the girl he ditched her for then. What was so special about her? She didn’t know. But unlike her she had long hair and was pretty demure. Hi!, she said. She had heard of her from her husband. Suddenly Aira found herself naked in the middle of the street with hundreds of people walking past her. Where could she hide her nakedness? She was wearing clothes alright, but why did she feel so exposed? She had feared about meeting him with his wife quite a few times. But she didn’t know it was going to be so weird. She felt like someone was wrenching out her heart brutally from within her body. So this was how it felt. This was how real pain felt.

For months the meeting made her existence nightmarish. For the first time in her life she felt so belittled that she wished she could hide under that doormat in her bedroom. Her entire identity had become a big question for her. She didn’t know what to believe in anymore. She didn’t seem to have faith in herself or in whatever she was doing. She was out to change the world, but it seems, the world had changed her. Love? What is love? Life? How are you supposed to live it? Or, do you even live it? She was being punished for being true to herself and her beliefs. Suddenly, she started missing her mom. Yes, home was where she should have been then. But, she couldn’t face her parents. She couldn’t face anyone at that point of time.

Aira quit the job a month later, packed her bags and went off on a tour. They say, the Taj Mahal is the symbol of eternal love. May be she could find an answer to all this over there. If death is honoured by such a grand monument, has life no honour then? Or can life be celebrated only after death? People say that you can understand the value of things only after you have lost them. She had always believed in life, in living. She had celebrated life. But now she wasn’t sure whether she was even living. There are only questions, no answers. Or was it that life was too short for finding answers? Will she ever find out?